high holiday reflections from debbie yunker kail

The Work of Becoming: Hillel as a Place to Grow

This is the 13th year I’m celebrating the high holidays here at ASU Hillel - which makes this, of course, my 13th year leading ASU Hillel! I’ve been joking all summer that my tenure at ASU is becoming a Bat Mitzvah! A Young lady! 
It’s been a fun way to talk about my time here, but recently I got to thinking - what does this actually mean? If my tenure is 13, then my life as an executive director is entering its teenage years! 
If I think back to my early years here, this analogy is kind of fun to play with. What has it looked like to grow up as an Executive Director for ASU Hillel? 
Just like a baby, in my early years, I was getting the lay of the land, learning to speak the ASU Hillel and ASU language (innovation, sustainability, appreciating the cranes and new buildings everywhere), and creating my own language to speak about this place. 
And, while a young child would be finding their voice to advocate for themselves, I was finding my voice to advocate for the needs of Jewish ASU students. 
It did not take long for me to realize that one of the most, if not the most, critical skills I would need was to be able to navigate all kinds of complex relationships. Between Jews and Jews, between Jews and non-Jews, between students and ASU, and the list goes on. While it is certainly easier to have relationships with people who think like us and validate us as leaders, for our personal and organizational growth, we must be able to relate across differences. 
And, in those early years of my time here, I received some feedback that was hard to hear, but was critical to listen to, and took some real inner strength and outside support to address. 
Unsurprisingly, I was holding a lot of stress, but unfortunately, it was becoming too evident to others. I was told that my team was being too impacted by my mood, and they wondered which Debbie they were going to get that day. 
I immediately asked myself – how could I lead and train others when I was struggling with consistency in how I showed up? How could people take me seriously when we were having hard conversations about complex issues from leadership to Israel, if they were worried about which Debbie was joining the meeting that day? 
It was critical that I figure it out, not just for my own personal growth but because of what Hillel is. 
At Hillel, we want you – the students in this room - to make time for Jewish experiences, not just because we have a beautiful age-old tradition that is waiting for you  [ - dayenu (!!) wouldn’t this be enough!?].  We also want you to make time for Jewish experiences because we believe this is THE place to wrestle with complexity that will prepare you to be a more productive Jewish citizen. Which will, in turn, help you make the whole world a better place. 
<Our Mission→ To enrich the lives of Jewish undergraduate and graduate students so that they may enrich the Jewish people, Israel, and the world.>
I realized that my stress was sometimes getting in the way of strengthening the relationships I wanted to build and the leadership I wanted to model.
I needed to find a way through complex relationships and challenging situations, so that Hillel could live up to our values of being a model for others to do the same.
To do this, I turned to Jewish tradition to teach me! 
I remembered tochecha – rebuke, giving constructive feedback, and really giving thought to whether the person you aim to deliver feedback to is in a position to hear it. And I thought through how my sometimes stressful demeanor could get in someone’s way of hearing feedback. I thought about how, when it goes well, a feedback conversation can actually deepen a relationship. As Rabbi Jill Maderer of Congregation Rodeph Shalom in Philadelphia says - 
Fundamentally, tochecha is a mitzvah of connection — a cornerstone of healthy relationships and strong community. If we can trust our neighbors to tell us the truth lovingly, and if we can hear a reprimand with calm consideration, then our path to one of Judaism’s most sought after spiritual destinations, shalom, peace and wholeness, is well paved. 
I remembered lashon hara - talk about others, even when it’s true, is prohibited! - and realized that when I’m stressed, I am more prone to complain about small things others have done that irk me. How was doing that bringing my colleagues closer to me? It likely was doing the opposite - making them wonder if I talked about them! Well, that had to stop, too.
And I thought of the story I’d been taught at countless Hillel trainings  - of how Abraham, after becoming circumcised at the ripe old age of 99, instead of taking time to heal, RAN out of his tent to welcome angels. Was I doing that when staff or students popped in? Or was I using my stress as a barrier between me and an impromptu connection, keeping my head down and saying I was not available when people tried to catch me? 
This reflection did not happen with just me, myself, and I. This reflection took place in a supportive environment - with my board chair, with co-workers whom I let in on the work I was trying to do, and with other trusted mentors, including a coach that this organization supported me connecting with. 
In doing this, I activated some of the key points of Yom Kippur, just outside of the YK framework. I was working on returning to a better version of myself. I was working on making amends and being transparent on how I wanted to grow, in the hopes of forging closer relationships. And – while the decision to change was personal, the process and the context were communal. 
I found out that I didn’t need to be perfect already to build trust with others - I needed to be open and vulnerable. When I did this, others saw me as the human that I am and came on the journey with me. 
And a lightbulb went off!! THIS IS WHAT HILLEL IS! Growing together, becoming, as Rabbi Aviva said last week, not the BEST versions of ourselves, but the truest versions of ourselves. 
Over the years, I have seen countless students learn these lessons at Hillel, too. I am proud that, in addition to Hillel being the place for Jewish literacy, leadership, and community, Hillel is the place to practice being the truest version of yourself, too. This is what our community and, frankly, our world needs right now. As things become more polarized, we need leaders who can own their errors, make values-based decisions, and model the way for others who have not gotten there yet. And we need communities that support this - that don’t judge us on unreasonable standards of perfection, but judge us by our intentions and our willingness to grow. 
While my growth was around how I put my stress out there, I want to suggest that we all have something that stands in the way of building stronger relationships. When we can figure this out, we will be more able to do our part in mending the fabric of our communities, of getting to know people who are different than us. This is the first step towards navigating complex relationships - the original goal I took on when I started to look at my stress head-on.
Now, I don’t mean starting even with someone on the other side of the political aisle, although that could be a great goal. I mean, talking to a student who dresses differently from you, who prays differently than you, or who is studying something so different than you that you barely understand it!
I have to say, this was on my mind even before October 7, when we were certainly already seeing our American society separate more distinctly along political lines. I had hoped that Hillel would be a place we could do this healing, and after coming out of our initial crisis mode, we have done just that, building a new partnership with the Watts College of Public Service. We are starting slow and steady with some book groups this past spring semester, and please keep your eyes out for some upcoming program announcements that will be aligned with these goals. 
In the intervening almost two years, the problem of divisiveness and polarization has gotten more complex, and I will admit that the lore of self-care has often motivated me to take a step back from these problems. They are too big, too complex, and driven by high-profile people on whom I have no influence. Better to just focus on my little world.
But let’s flip this on its head - focusing on our “little worlds” – this is not defeatist but actually quite empowering. What if we really leaned into this? What if focusing on our little worlds is not an evasion of responsibility but an acceptance of responsibility?
What would our ASU Hillel community look like in one year? How might the broader ASU community be impacted if we all take a step forward towards this type of growth? Towards looking at whatever is getting in the way for US in forging connections with those different from us?

Here are three things you can do today – 

1. Identify one behavior or thought that’s getting in the way of your connection to others – name it, write it down on a note in your phone, or a post-it on your mirror. (Again, for me, it was stress!)
2. Choose one way you want to act differently. It’s not all changing at once, but pick one thing.
3. Tell one person you want to work on this - bonus points if it’s a Hillel staff member - we love helping you guys grow.

My hope for us all as we enter 5786 together is that my openness about how my growth helped forge closer relationships will give you pause, and that you remain open to allowing us at Hillel to help you with this. I know I speak for everyone on our team – Rabbi Aviva, Taylor, Shira, Jake, Hannah, Vita, and Aaron- when I say that we truly care about you as a whole person and cannot wait to do this next year with you.

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